I just read my last post. For the record I HATE whinny posts. But I feel it's somewhat incomplete, and not just because I still feel like whining, but I want to get some details out of my head and onto screen, if only to see if I can straighten out the knots in the thread that is my thought processes.
I'm a girl. I'm twenty one. I've made some stupid mistakes in my lifetime. I love my son, my father, my brother, my sister, my mother and myself. I don't like being told what to do, especially not by someone who hasn't followed their own advice. I'm not having a childish fit over not being allowed to go out to the movies, although I do feel this is a completely childish situation and it's influencing my mood.
No, I'm having a childish fit over every birthday, christmas, weekend, you name it, that my father wasn't there because he was out having fun. I'm having a childish fit over every time he's been disrespectful to my mother and me. A particular occasion comes to mind; I went to visit him for three days in Houston, after about a year of not seeing him. He dropped me off at a Wal-Mart and said he had some errand to run, he'd be back in an hour. He came back 3 hours later, only to drop me off at a hotel. He phoned me that night to say he'd pick me up in the morning, when he was late, again. I later found out he was with his lover. And now he's getting his panties in a twist because someone wants to "disrespect" me by taking me out late at night.
It's been years, and while I'm okay with forgiving, I don't believe in forgetting. Some things burn like a hot iron and leave the taste of rot in my mouth like they were only yesterday.
This is only making more knots, so I'm just going to leave it. I imagine I'll have a chat with my dad later. I'll either muzzle myself for the sake of public peace, or I'll pour my bile into the open. Either way, I'm fucked.
Appropriately, the Pixie's "Where is my mind" just came on the playlist. Maybe I'll just shave my hair off and join the nearest Zen temple.
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2 comments:
hmm, was this just a random thing? other times he lets you come and go as you please? maybe he just wants to feel that ultimate mexican male power for that eve, and he'll chill out again for awhile after he's gotten his fix? anyways, i hope thats the case.
He's having a family man protective figure illusions. The other times I've gone out on a school night he's pointed out he doesn't like it, but to go ahead and do as I please.Sigh, anyhow, we had another marathon debate, and I think I managed to knock some sense into him because he said this "curfew" (my word, at which he is apalled, but what else do you call having to be in by ten?), wasn't permanent, and we'd talk about it once my grades for the semester were out.
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