It's been a while since my last post, so I've got lots to tell. In no particular order:
I've had a job offer teaching English in one of the local private Universities, which is great because :
...according to me, I'll finally have some spending money, mind you, it's all probably going to go on baby toys...
...according to my dad, I can start a credit history, so I can have a gazillion credit cards like he does...
...according to my mom, well, she hopes I'll meet some rich businessman, teach him English, and conquer the market at his side. Sorry Mom, I'll be teaching 9 year olds...
I've also made a new friend at uni, his name is Antonio,who's quite the gothic knight, and he lives a couple of blocks from me, which is nice because most all my other friends live at least half an hour away. I'm going to dump all my lovely dark literature on him (Poppy Z. Brite anyone?) and he's going to teach me how to play chess...properly, not like I usually do, thinking about my next move for half an hour, chewing it over, and then deciding "What the hell, I'll do something reckless." We got chatting about why I wanted to be a psychologist and I got to the pretty disturbing conclusion that, despite whatever satisfaction I might derive from helping people, my main motivation is rummaging inside their brains. I'm a psychic voyeour if you will.
I've been feeling quite the pensive little girl today too, and figured out that relationships are like jackets. You get cold so you put one on, which then in turn makes you too hot so you take it off only to get cold again. Yes, I know, I won't quit my day job to become a poet.
It's been film and trailer week, so here are my reviews. Take into account the facts that I live in a fantasy bubble and I think Keanu Reeves is cute, although give me some credit, I know he can't act.
"Underworld", ahhh a wet dream for a Vampire the Masquerade rpger like myself (nevermind the legal battles,*cough cough*). Basically the Matrix but with vampires and werewolves. And Kate Beckingsdale is just gorgeous, she carries off the rubber goth look marvelously. I wouldn't recommend it for everyone, but if it sounds good so far you probably should go watch it. And, fortunately for me, because I can't get enough of these sort of films, there's a sequel coming up, Underworld: Evolution.
Ack my bed is calling, so I'm going to have to owe you the other reviews for next time. I know, I'm such a terrible tease...
Monday, November 28, 2005
Friday, November 18, 2005
All of This for Nothing?
It must be melodrama week. Dad insisted on having last night's conversation AGAIN, and in the end all we could do was agree to disagree and make bad jokes about the situation. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though, as he agreed to reconsiderate my "curfew" when my grades come out in January. That or I have to wait till I graduate to run a mile to my own appartment. I could always work and study at the same time, but really, who needs the grief? Certainly not a lady of leisure such as myself ( can you hear the sarcasm dripping?).
My therapy also involved being taken down to my Dad's AA group which, to be honest, I actually enjoy going to. The psychologist in me just goes into overdrive. Funny how most alcoholics resent their Dads huh? In any case reading back on my post, chatting to my dad, and the AA meeting got me thinking all is not right. Not so much because I got angry, but because of all the memories and feelings these arguments bring out in me, so I think I'll be heading over to Al-Anon next week. It's a group for friends and family of alcoholics orientated towards helping them overcome their negative feelings. I'm not big on group therapy, but what the hell, it's cheaper than going to a hypnotherapist.
On a more light hearted note, I finally gave in and listened to My Chemical Romance's"Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" CD, and am pleasantly surprised. I like most of the tracks, "To The End" and "Ghost of You" are my favourites
My therapy also involved being taken down to my Dad's AA group which, to be honest, I actually enjoy going to. The psychologist in me just goes into overdrive. Funny how most alcoholics resent their Dads huh? In any case reading back on my post, chatting to my dad, and the AA meeting got me thinking all is not right. Not so much because I got angry, but because of all the memories and feelings these arguments bring out in me, so I think I'll be heading over to Al-Anon next week. It's a group for friends and family of alcoholics orientated towards helping them overcome their negative feelings. I'm not big on group therapy, but what the hell, it's cheaper than going to a hypnotherapist.
On a more light hearted note, I finally gave in and listened to My Chemical Romance's"Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" CD, and am pleasantly surprised. I like most of the tracks, "To The End" and "Ghost of You" are my favourites
Crying for Lost Wars
I just read my last post. For the record I HATE whinny posts. But I feel it's somewhat incomplete, and not just because I still feel like whining, but I want to get some details out of my head and onto screen, if only to see if I can straighten out the knots in the thread that is my thought processes.
I'm a girl. I'm twenty one. I've made some stupid mistakes in my lifetime. I love my son, my father, my brother, my sister, my mother and myself. I don't like being told what to do, especially not by someone who hasn't followed their own advice. I'm not having a childish fit over not being allowed to go out to the movies, although I do feel this is a completely childish situation and it's influencing my mood.
No, I'm having a childish fit over every birthday, christmas, weekend, you name it, that my father wasn't there because he was out having fun. I'm having a childish fit over every time he's been disrespectful to my mother and me. A particular occasion comes to mind; I went to visit him for three days in Houston, after about a year of not seeing him. He dropped me off at a Wal-Mart and said he had some errand to run, he'd be back in an hour. He came back 3 hours later, only to drop me off at a hotel. He phoned me that night to say he'd pick me up in the morning, when he was late, again. I later found out he was with his lover. And now he's getting his panties in a twist because someone wants to "disrespect" me by taking me out late at night.
It's been years, and while I'm okay with forgiving, I don't believe in forgetting. Some things burn like a hot iron and leave the taste of rot in my mouth like they were only yesterday.
This is only making more knots, so I'm just going to leave it. I imagine I'll have a chat with my dad later. I'll either muzzle myself for the sake of public peace, or I'll pour my bile into the open. Either way, I'm fucked.
Appropriately, the Pixie's "Where is my mind" just came on the playlist. Maybe I'll just shave my hair off and join the nearest Zen temple.
I'm a girl. I'm twenty one. I've made some stupid mistakes in my lifetime. I love my son, my father, my brother, my sister, my mother and myself. I don't like being told what to do, especially not by someone who hasn't followed their own advice. I'm not having a childish fit over not being allowed to go out to the movies, although I do feel this is a completely childish situation and it's influencing my mood.
No, I'm having a childish fit over every birthday, christmas, weekend, you name it, that my father wasn't there because he was out having fun. I'm having a childish fit over every time he's been disrespectful to my mother and me. A particular occasion comes to mind; I went to visit him for three days in Houston, after about a year of not seeing him. He dropped me off at a Wal-Mart and said he had some errand to run, he'd be back in an hour. He came back 3 hours later, only to drop me off at a hotel. He phoned me that night to say he'd pick me up in the morning, when he was late, again. I later found out he was with his lover. And now he's getting his panties in a twist because someone wants to "disrespect" me by taking me out late at night.
It's been years, and while I'm okay with forgiving, I don't believe in forgetting. Some things burn like a hot iron and leave the taste of rot in my mouth like they were only yesterday.
This is only making more knots, so I'm just going to leave it. I imagine I'll have a chat with my dad later. I'll either muzzle myself for the sake of public peace, or I'll pour my bile into the open. Either way, I'm fucked.
Appropriately, the Pixie's "Where is my mind" just came on the playlist. Maybe I'll just shave my hair off and join the nearest Zen temple.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Novelty Toys, Dog Collars, and Broken Cyber Dreams
It's half past one and I'm still up. I should have gone to bed hours ago since I have to get up early tomorrow and go slave away as a future English teacher, preferably in ironed clothes. Doubtless, within the next half hour my son will start screaming the house down till I go get in bed and I've already finished the Chinese torture assessment I'm going to apply to my students. So why don't I just go lay in Morpheus's arms?
I'll tell you why. Something is eating my computer, from the inside out. I'm absolutely sure of it.
____________________________________________________________
Okay a whole day and night has gone by, William woke up and I gave in and went to bed. In the meantime, things with MAGI (my computer) have deteriorated further. I hear the whirring of the hard drive, in symphony with a new sound, and echo of itself, except it´s coming from the speakers. Programs randomly go on strike and my antivirus disables itself. I´m convinced there´s a little gremlin eating away at MAGI´s guts. I´m going to open her up with a screwdriver, with only a big kitchen knife to defend myself from whatever is in there. Maybe it´s a mini toy alien....
There are some things humanity was not meant to know...
In other news, my dad finally gave in to his authoritarian genes and told/ordered me not to go out last night. No point arguing, since after all I am living under his roof, but it annoys me all the same. Fidgetsticks... I feel like im living in animal farm under the rule of the Orwelian pigs. Dad´s catch phrase , "I never tell you that you can´t go out.", was sabotaged in the dead of night, and now there´s a sloppily scrawled on addition: "I never tell you you can go out, at a reasonable hour.¨" How is 9:00 o´clock to 12:00 o´clock unreasonable? And don´t tell me I´ll understand when my son hits puberty, because I won´t, I´m going to be the coolest mom to ever grace this earth.
Of course, I´m already in the proccess of being said uber-cool mom, which gives us plenty to argue about...
Dad: Don´t let him put his hand in the guacamole!
Me: But he´s exploring his surroundings and developing his sense of touch Dad (slight whine).
Dad: He´s making a mess!
Me: That can be cleaned.
Dad: And who´s going to clean it?
William: BUA!
You get the idea.
The day before last I had a test that was going to make up 30% of my Development of Human Thought course. I´m notorious for last minute study marathons, but unfortunately I fell asleep at my post and managed to study only the first page of the study guide.
So it was with some trepidation that I sat at my desk and took out a blank page while Jesus (my profesor) went on about concrete, personal, and open questions. He gave us 3 seconds to answer the first question after which we were to pass our piece of paper to the front and get ready for the next question.
Jesus: Okay the first question is.... on a scale from 1 to 10 how much did you study? ONE...
Me (in my head): Oh shit... um....what shall I write? 1?
Jesus: TWO...
Me(in my head): plus a 0 of course...10 yes that sounds about right...
Jesus: THREE!
Turns out that was the whole exam 'cos Jesus trusts us...
I'll tell you why. Something is eating my computer, from the inside out. I'm absolutely sure of it.
____________________________________________________________
Okay a whole day and night has gone by, William woke up and I gave in and went to bed. In the meantime, things with MAGI (my computer) have deteriorated further. I hear the whirring of the hard drive, in symphony with a new sound, and echo of itself, except it´s coming from the speakers. Programs randomly go on strike and my antivirus disables itself. I´m convinced there´s a little gremlin eating away at MAGI´s guts. I´m going to open her up with a screwdriver, with only a big kitchen knife to defend myself from whatever is in there. Maybe it´s a mini toy alien....
There are some things humanity was not meant to know...
In other news, my dad finally gave in to his authoritarian genes and told/ordered me not to go out last night. No point arguing, since after all I am living under his roof, but it annoys me all the same. Fidgetsticks... I feel like im living in animal farm under the rule of the Orwelian pigs. Dad´s catch phrase , "I never tell you that you can´t go out.", was sabotaged in the dead of night, and now there´s a sloppily scrawled on addition: "I never tell you you can go out, at a reasonable hour.¨" How is 9:00 o´clock to 12:00 o´clock unreasonable? And don´t tell me I´ll understand when my son hits puberty, because I won´t, I´m going to be the coolest mom to ever grace this earth.
Of course, I´m already in the proccess of being said uber-cool mom, which gives us plenty to argue about...
Dad: Don´t let him put his hand in the guacamole!
Me: But he´s exploring his surroundings and developing his sense of touch Dad (slight whine).
Dad: He´s making a mess!
Me: That can be cleaned.
Dad: And who´s going to clean it?
William: BUA!
You get the idea.
The day before last I had a test that was going to make up 30% of my Development of Human Thought course. I´m notorious for last minute study marathons, but unfortunately I fell asleep at my post and managed to study only the first page of the study guide.
So it was with some trepidation that I sat at my desk and took out a blank page while Jesus (my profesor) went on about concrete, personal, and open questions. He gave us 3 seconds to answer the first question after which we were to pass our piece of paper to the front and get ready for the next question.
Jesus: Okay the first question is.... on a scale from 1 to 10 how much did you study? ONE...
Me (in my head): Oh shit... um....what shall I write? 1?
Jesus: TWO...
Me(in my head): plus a 0 of course...10 yes that sounds about right...
Jesus: THREE!
Turns out that was the whole exam 'cos Jesus trusts us...
Friday, November 11, 2005
Is This Really Me, Or is it Just My Perception of Me perceiving Myself...
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
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personality tests by similarminds.com
Raindrops are falling on my head...
I´m at uni, chatting on msn with people sitting in the same room. How sad is that? The triumph of Bill Gates. Earlier I had a very enlightning Mexican Economic Structure lesson, turns out one of our disgraced expresidents shot his maid dead when he was little. Obviously off to an early start.
Mum might come back tonight or tomorrow, I can´t wait. Saturday I might head down to an anime expo. I want to dress William up as something, maybe a little anime kitten. I love facepaints, when I was babysitting in France I discovered I had a flair for it. William is a great model as well, he´ll stay still for me and smiles when I show him the change in a mirror.
Also, glancing through the gorgeous conceptart.org and worrying about all the coursework I have to hand in next week...
Mum might come back tonight or tomorrow, I can´t wait. Saturday I might head down to an anime expo. I want to dress William up as something, maybe a little anime kitten. I love facepaints, when I was babysitting in France I discovered I had a flair for it. William is a great model as well, he´ll stay still for me and smiles when I show him the change in a mirror.
Also, glancing through the gorgeous conceptart.org and worrying about all the coursework I have to hand in next week...
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Are You Ready to Rumble?
In an ideal wolrd I type medium sized posts and I post them often. This is not, however, an ideal world, and I haven't been able to post lately for a variety of reasons, so this is going to be one huge mammoth post to get me through the winter. Right now I'm downloading fonts off the internet and listening to Placebo's "Every You, Every Me". Be warned, that's the sort of mood I'm in, complicity, elitism, and confusion are my main drives at the moment. I accidentaly watched an episode of the OC (it just fills me with morbid curiosity), and have been left craving a meddling life-long best friend.
I want to make a zombie movie, set in Mexico and riddled with all our little eccentricities. My favourite scene in this imaginary script so far has one of the main characters in a car full of zombies, and he can't get out, because being a good used Mexican vehicle, it's riddled with faults, making it a real knack to open a door. This might seem a bit far fetched to some of you 1st worlders out there but it's really common here. My own car is a perfect example, the door on the driver's side won't open, the passenger door only opens from the outside, and the passenger seat slides forward when I break.
Ah yes, my car. I'm not a big fan of cars, in fact I'd rather get around on public transport, but I have to admit they come in handy. I call it the Millenium Falcon (please don't sue me Mr. Lucas!) and on Tuesday I manged to warp speed it into a gate at university. It was rather bizarre, one moment I was driving along and the next thing I knew, I was hugging my steering wheel. I had to laugh my head off, along with all the university gardeners who just happened to be standing around. The Falcon looks like a werewolf bit a chunk out of it. I'm fine, just hurt my right hand a bit, and at least my sister started putting her seat belt on without me having to threaten to kick her out of a moving vehicle...
My father has discovered blogging. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw him looking up "blog" on wikipeda. I love my dad, but I'm terrible at telling him about myself and the way I see things, and I wouldn't want to have to explain every line of every post to him. But what are the chances of him stumbling across this anyways (famous last words)?
Talking about uncomfortable conversations, Daddy confronted me about Mr. Rockstar again. I ended up admitting I like him, and we got into a really uncomfortable conversation about my "needs". Ewwwww, is all I can say. Now I'm usually really open when talking about said needs, but with my Dad I draw the line. As usual it was an interrumpted conversation (by the weekly grocery shopping), so I don't know if he understands my position but he seemed to be willing to accept that I'm going to be dating. I think. Then again with him I never can tell. I wish we would talk more, really talk, not this cat and mouse game of him trying to get me to come out of my padded room and me bracing up against the door and shouting "SHE'S NOT IN!". It might have helped if he hadn't had such a "children must be seen and not heard" policy when I was younger, and if I could put up with having an argument or two. He says I take things to heart too much and maybe he's right.
I had a really great dream the other night. I was on holiday on a private island, complete with Puff Daddy hosing people down with choclate milkshake and asking them to enjoy the hospitality. Mom, William, and I were walking along the beach, which I was starting to notice was full of crabs. I just managed to pick William up out of the path of one of the little snapping sods, while my mum was poking them with her foot. She thought it was really funny until she poked a half buried orange shell, and out came a meter wide crab with a mean look in its eye. It advanced towards her snapping it's claws shut menacingly and she calmly told me to distract it. Mother DOESN'T know best, but I didn't want to be ungrateful so I poked it with my foot. Of course, it decided to have a poke back, I retreated slightly and began to levitate out of its reach.
At this point I was starting to suspect I was dreaming, so I shot up into the sky till I could see the Earth's curvature and floated there spinning and holding my son, telling him about the atmosphere and the stars. I felt real peace up there in the rim of the world. After a while we dropped back to Earth in free fall, with a few short rewinds to adjust our trajectory. When we reached the island I floated from tree to tree trying to find a good spot to observe the surroundings. I began thinking about how we could go anywhere we wanted, and in a thought we were in the ocean, observing a Great White shark from our own little air bubble. It swam around us a couple of times, watching us with his great big black eyes. A group of dolphins joined the scene, and I hitched a ride with on e by grabbing on to its dorsal fin. I love dreaming, I really can go anywhere and do anything. I can read, travel with a thought and it only makes it even more interesting that everyone's out to get me.
Speaking of dreams, Rachel had a pretty fancy one were I was an elegant Victorian dame, just released from prison, charming as hell, and with a dashing man by my side. I hope someone invents a dream recorder/player in my time. We could leave such a beautifully surreal legacy. That's probably one of the reasons I like Jeff Noon so much. If you haven't already, go get Vurt, and don't come back till you do!
We have a few crazy waking dreams. The most recent one is "The Society for the Revival of Roman Customs". Our patron goddesses are Venus and Eris (Love and Discord), and one of the first customs we want to bring back is the gladiator sports, although instead of slaves those aspiring to court us can duel to the death. It would save us a lot of time...
Another one of our dreams is to set in motion a Master Plan to dominate the world however, it's her job to come up with the plan...
Sigh, don't you just hate akward reunions? My friend Ivonne had a Halloween party last week, to which I showed up as a ghost, although everyone thought I was a bride. A guy I really used to fancy was also there, and on the one hand it was nice to see him 'cos he's quite charming, and it was reassuring to know he no longer makes monarch butterflies take flight in my guts, but on the other he also gave me the weirdest look when he saw I was with Mr. Rockstar, and he put "our" song on the jukebox. I'll never understand the logic in males' minds: they say they want to win you over, disappear for 3 months and then act funny when they realize you haven't been holding your breath waiting for them to come back.
The bank round the block from my house was held up today. That's the second time in as many months...
I want to make a zombie movie, set in Mexico and riddled with all our little eccentricities. My favourite scene in this imaginary script so far has one of the main characters in a car full of zombies, and he can't get out, because being a good used Mexican vehicle, it's riddled with faults, making it a real knack to open a door. This might seem a bit far fetched to some of you 1st worlders out there but it's really common here. My own car is a perfect example, the door on the driver's side won't open, the passenger door only opens from the outside, and the passenger seat slides forward when I break.
Ah yes, my car. I'm not a big fan of cars, in fact I'd rather get around on public transport, but I have to admit they come in handy. I call it the Millenium Falcon (please don't sue me Mr. Lucas!) and on Tuesday I manged to warp speed it into a gate at university. It was rather bizarre, one moment I was driving along and the next thing I knew, I was hugging my steering wheel. I had to laugh my head off, along with all the university gardeners who just happened to be standing around. The Falcon looks like a werewolf bit a chunk out of it. I'm fine, just hurt my right hand a bit, and at least my sister started putting her seat belt on without me having to threaten to kick her out of a moving vehicle...
My father has discovered blogging. I nearly had a heart attack when I saw him looking up "blog" on wikipeda. I love my dad, but I'm terrible at telling him about myself and the way I see things, and I wouldn't want to have to explain every line of every post to him. But what are the chances of him stumbling across this anyways (famous last words)?
Talking about uncomfortable conversations, Daddy confronted me about Mr. Rockstar again. I ended up admitting I like him, and we got into a really uncomfortable conversation about my "needs". Ewwwww, is all I can say. Now I'm usually really open when talking about said needs, but with my Dad I draw the line. As usual it was an interrumpted conversation (by the weekly grocery shopping), so I don't know if he understands my position but he seemed to be willing to accept that I'm going to be dating. I think. Then again with him I never can tell. I wish we would talk more, really talk, not this cat and mouse game of him trying to get me to come out of my padded room and me bracing up against the door and shouting "SHE'S NOT IN!". It might have helped if he hadn't had such a "children must be seen and not heard" policy when I was younger, and if I could put up with having an argument or two. He says I take things to heart too much and maybe he's right.
I had a really great dream the other night. I was on holiday on a private island, complete with Puff Daddy hosing people down with choclate milkshake and asking them to enjoy the hospitality. Mom, William, and I were walking along the beach, which I was starting to notice was full of crabs. I just managed to pick William up out of the path of one of the little snapping sods, while my mum was poking them with her foot. She thought it was really funny until she poked a half buried orange shell, and out came a meter wide crab with a mean look in its eye. It advanced towards her snapping it's claws shut menacingly and she calmly told me to distract it. Mother DOESN'T know best, but I didn't want to be ungrateful so I poked it with my foot. Of course, it decided to have a poke back, I retreated slightly and began to levitate out of its reach.
At this point I was starting to suspect I was dreaming, so I shot up into the sky till I could see the Earth's curvature and floated there spinning and holding my son, telling him about the atmosphere and the stars. I felt real peace up there in the rim of the world. After a while we dropped back to Earth in free fall, with a few short rewinds to adjust our trajectory. When we reached the island I floated from tree to tree trying to find a good spot to observe the surroundings. I began thinking about how we could go anywhere we wanted, and in a thought we were in the ocean, observing a Great White shark from our own little air bubble. It swam around us a couple of times, watching us with his great big black eyes. A group of dolphins joined the scene, and I hitched a ride with on e by grabbing on to its dorsal fin. I love dreaming, I really can go anywhere and do anything. I can read, travel with a thought and it only makes it even more interesting that everyone's out to get me.
Speaking of dreams, Rachel had a pretty fancy one were I was an elegant Victorian dame, just released from prison, charming as hell, and with a dashing man by my side. I hope someone invents a dream recorder/player in my time. We could leave such a beautifully surreal legacy. That's probably one of the reasons I like Jeff Noon so much. If you haven't already, go get Vurt, and don't come back till you do!
We have a few crazy waking dreams. The most recent one is "The Society for the Revival of Roman Customs". Our patron goddesses are Venus and Eris (Love and Discord), and one of the first customs we want to bring back is the gladiator sports, although instead of slaves those aspiring to court us can duel to the death. It would save us a lot of time...
Another one of our dreams is to set in motion a Master Plan to dominate the world however, it's her job to come up with the plan...
Sigh, don't you just hate akward reunions? My friend Ivonne had a Halloween party last week, to which I showed up as a ghost, although everyone thought I was a bride. A guy I really used to fancy was also there, and on the one hand it was nice to see him 'cos he's quite charming, and it was reassuring to know he no longer makes monarch butterflies take flight in my guts, but on the other he also gave me the weirdest look when he saw I was with Mr. Rockstar, and he put "our" song on the jukebox. I'll never understand the logic in males' minds: they say they want to win you over, disappear for 3 months and then act funny when they realize you haven't been holding your breath waiting for them to come back.
The bank round the block from my house was held up today. That's the second time in as many months...
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